What is perfect? Nothing.

No such thing as perfect happiness. At least for people like me. Like every rose has its thorns, my happiness is impaled and shredded by expectations and resulting frustrations...
Why can't I just plaster a stupid grin on my face and wash out any semblance of doubt forming on my mind with lye and a hard brush?
Why can't I just live with what I am dished out?
Who am I? Of all the fat-assed people on planet earth. To even expect ANYTHING of ANYONE?
No wonder I am set up for failure from the start.
I am supposed to let things be.
Let the tea steep and seep out its gorgeous flavours in the tepid water. Woe betide anyone who dares turn up the flame and bring forth a rolling boil!
Let the flower gently unfurl and bring forth its beauty.
Let the egg hatch in its own time.
I can't go nitpicking. On everything. And with a sharp jab, put things in place.
No!
I have to let it lie.
And fester?
I have to let things putrefy till they come to their natural bloom or spoil eventually...
Hmph!
Hate how things are.

Today

The flowers that came from you today

And the chocolates

And most importantly that card which said you would love me forever

Trying to

Trying not to care anymore

At least not that much and not that openly

I am okay now if you don't text

Or call

Or mail

Usually...

I still end up crying at times

But I am trying hard not to let it matter

I know I can do it

I just need to keep on trying

Really hard

Till it doesn't matter anymore.

word...

​

Hurt...

Just thinking of how a pearl is formed...

When an oyster is injured, or when a foreign body enters its mantle, it secretes nacre and gradually, layer by layer, grows into a beautiful shiny pearl...

So in essence, the oyster transforms its hurt or pain into a thing of beauty...

And then I think of all the times when I hurt - perhaps because of you,

Or even in spite of you

And I feel that I have grown yet another layer to shield my heart

And perhaps one day it will be like a giant shining pearl

But all dead inside...

​

Lost...

Suddenly everything you do goes wrong

Everything you touch, crumbles and falls

What you are left with is the touch from last night
And memories from the streets you wandered together

Is this what the end's going to be like?

Is this where it all stops?

Happiness

We are never as significant as we imagine ourselves to be. Nor are we as insignificant.
We are terribly average human beings running behind unattainable dreams and a chance at happiness.
We attribute a lot of importance to that brief fleeting mirage-like idea of happiness.
But happiness stems from ignorance. Mostly...
The ignorance of where you stand in life. Or where you are not welcome. Or where you are not really needed... just considered as a freak show for temporary amusement...
Not being aware of reality is blissful. It's easier deluding yourself, telling yourself you are happy because of something. Because of someone.
Better to stay real. And perhaps even stay unhappy. At least there are no expectations. No aspirations.
The solution lies in extricating oneself as soon as possible from all delusions. Of waking up before nightmares begin.

Dreaming...

With my eyes open
And it's beautiful all around...

Happiness is...

Feeling beautiful just because he says I am! :-)

subject to approval

Some days I am just that bit alarmed by how much you matter to me....

And then I think of how much it will hurt if you left...

And then how everything feels calm and in turmoil at the same time when you are there

And then the deafening silence after a conversation ends...

Some days I celebrate each thing you said... not necessarily because they are nice things but just that I want to believe each word and just be... Happy
Some days I get into a rut thinking if I should really think this way about us... do we even have a future? Where are we going? What is to become of us?...

Some days I just want to let go and let you know - everything!

And other times, I want to hide each bit of you and especially how you make me feel -deep inside - like some selfish giant with his precious garden!

So I swing between two extremes...

Just thinking of you and wanting to be with you...
And sometimes just being scared of the whole idea of being able to touch you or talk to you... because what would I have left if I didn't even have that?

 

Because I'll do anything to make you happy!

Because right now, you make me happy!