Trying to

Trying not to care anymore

At least not that much and not that openly

I am okay now if you don't text

Or call

Or mail

Usually...

I still end up crying at times

But I am trying hard not to let it matter

I know I can do it

I just need to keep on trying

Really hard

Till it doesn't matter anymore.

word...

​

Hurt...

Just thinking of how a pearl is formed...

When an oyster is injured, or when a foreign body enters its mantle, it secretes nacre and gradually, layer by layer, grows into a beautiful shiny pearl...

So in essence, the oyster transforms its hurt or pain into a thing of beauty...

And then I think of all the times when I hurt - perhaps because of you,

Or even in spite of you

And I feel that I have grown yet another layer to shield my heart

And perhaps one day it will be like a giant shining pearl

But all dead inside...

​

Lost...

Suddenly everything you do goes wrong

Everything you touch, crumbles and falls

What you are left with is the touch from last night
And memories from the streets you wandered together

Is this what the end's going to be like?

Is this where it all stops?

Happiness

We are never as significant as we imagine ourselves to be. Nor are we as insignificant.
We are terribly average human beings running behind unattainable dreams and a chance at happiness.
We attribute a lot of importance to that brief fleeting mirage-like idea of happiness.
But happiness stems from ignorance. Mostly...
The ignorance of where you stand in life. Or where you are not welcome. Or where you are not really needed... just considered as a freak show for temporary amusement...
Not being aware of reality is blissful. It's easier deluding yourself, telling yourself you are happy because of something. Because of someone.
Better to stay real. And perhaps even stay unhappy. At least there are no expectations. No aspirations.
The solution lies in extricating oneself as soon as possible from all delusions. Of waking up before nightmares begin.

Dreaming...

With my eyes open
And it's beautiful all around...

Happiness is...

Feeling beautiful just because he says I am! :-)

subject to approval

Some days I am just that bit alarmed by how much you matter to me....

And then I think of how much it will hurt if you left...

And then how everything feels calm and in turmoil at the same time when you are there

And then the deafening silence after a conversation ends...

Some days I celebrate each thing you said... not necessarily because they are nice things but just that I want to believe each word and just be... Happy
Some days I get into a rut thinking if I should really think this way about us... do we even have a future? Where are we going? What is to become of us?...

Some days I just want to let go and let you know - everything!

And other times, I want to hide each bit of you and especially how you make me feel -deep inside - like some selfish giant with his precious garden!

So I swing between two extremes...

Just thinking of you and wanting to be with you...
And sometimes just being scared of the whole idea of being able to touch you or talk to you... because what would I have left if I didn't even have that?

 

Because I'll do anything to make you happy!

Because right now, you make me happy!

I wish I could say this to you today...

You make me happy.

Perverse Pleasure

Reunion

BY CAROLYN FORCHÉ

Just as he changes himself, in the end eternity changes him. 
—Mallarmé

On the phonograph, the voice

of a woman already dead for three

decades, singing of a man

who could make her do anything.   

On the table, two fragile   

glasses of black wine,

a bottle wrapped in its towel.   

It is that room, the one

we took in every city, it is

as I remember: the bed, a block   

of moonlight and pillows.   

My fingernails, pecks of light   

on your thighs.

The stink of the fire escape.   

The wet butts of cigarettes   

you crushed one after another.   

How I watched the morning come   

as you slept, more my son   

than a man ten years older.   

How my breasts feel, years   

later, the tongues swishing   

in my dress, some yours, some   

left by other men.

Since then, I have always   

wakened first, I have learned   

to leave a bed without being   

seen and have stood

at the washbasins, wiping oil   

and salt from my skin,

staring at the cupped water   

in my two hands.

I have kept everything

you whispered to me then.

I can remember it now as I see you   

again, how much tenderness we could   

wedge between a stairwell   

and a police lock, or as it was,   

as it still is, in the voice

of a woman singing of a man

who could make her do anything.

Some words and lies

This I say to you

In the sad guise of a verse I know you'll never read

I don't keep promises I don't make.
You have to understand...

And not be petulant about imagined unrealities

Sometimes I am tired too

And all the world is not about you

And try to understand - yes, I am avoiding you

I like my bleakness and my oblivion

And my dark shadows are shelters

I need to hide and I need to shield

The secrets I can't reveal

Some things are better not stirred

Some words are best not said

So, yes, I am a coward and I will refrain

From speaking out when you are vain

And sometimes, when you act out of hand

I will sigh and laugh it off

As a charm and when

I die some more inside

I hope you never see me cry

I don't want to explain sometimes

I just want the loneliness

And no reasons to answer why

I think that's why I lie...

I hope you're happy, I wish you well

And it doesn't have to be me you tell

I wish you all the best in life

Just let me be, just let me be.

So MAD with a supposed "friend"...

Drink with your eyes

Not like that

I don't share... I mean I share things (heck! I'll even give it away if you ask!) And I am empathetic... But I can't share feelings of my own... I can't share my personal space...
Not that anyone wants to share... not that anyone's asking... but my personal shit is mine and I will resolve it... or not.
I feel afraid of so many things- rational or irrational, of death, failure, even success... most of all, probably of dying alone... but I can't tell anyone how it hurts when it hurts... it's my cross to bear and no one else should have to lend their shoulder or their time...
Honestly, I am not asking you to solve my problems... but it'll be nice to know there's someone to listen... not help - just listen... just listen.

No cry- not this time

What sort of a 33 yr old cries on listening to a maudlin "sambhala hain maine" on the radio?

Answer: "The type of person who cried herself to sleep listening to these stupid songs years ago after a break up!"

Eww for then and for now... this has been a sad sad day on so many counts... but nothing so tragic as this one! :-P

Life's Lessons

All of you have busy lives, and I apparently have none. Thanks for letting me know exactly where I stand with you - nowhere.

Perverse Pleasure

A Style Of Loving

Light now restricts itself
To the top half of trees; 
The angled sun
Slants honey-coloured rays
That lessen to the ground
As we bike through
The corridor of Palm Drive
We two

Have reached a safety the years
Can claim to have created:
Unconsumated, therefore
Unjaded, unsated.
Picnic, movie, ice-cream; 
Talk; to clear my head
Hot buttered rum - coffee for you; 
And so not to bed

And so we have set the question
Aside, gently.
Were we to become lovers
Where would our best friends be? 
You do not wish, nor I
To risk again
This savoured light for noon's
High joy or pain. 

Leave soon and never return!

As distance and the days grow longer

As you move further away

As fewer traces linger and memories blur and pale

Your words are now mere references, your promises never true

Your touch is now imagined, as were your feelings too!

Your voice indistinct, and the recall vague...

I am happy that at last you ARE fading away...