Monday, July 20, 2015

Can you love yourself first?

All too often we are willing to believe the worst about ourselves, scarcely giving ourselves any credit. It's almost as if we are afraid to acknowledge that we are beautiful, kind, intelligent...
We love polishing up our guilt every now and then, adding an extra layer of shine feeling the worst about ourselves...
And we often most love the people who make us feel the worst about ourselves. The more they ignore us, the more you dance to entertain them. The more they disdain you, the more you throw yourself at their feet.
The more you cry into your pillow at night, the more their worth grows in your eyes. You overlook people who really care, you ignore friends, your obsession is solely with the ones who put you down.
Why are we self destructive? Why are we afraid to love ourselves?
What is the point of validation in someone else's eyes, when you cannot look at yourself clearly?
How can you expect anyone else to love you when all you feel is hatred and loathing for yourself?
Why spend your precious love on someone when all you need to do is invest it on yourself?
Look inward. Take a deep breath. Accept your wonderfulness. Say to yourself, "I love you. The most!"
Tell yourself that you are worthy of the best. And what is better than the love you have to give?
Selflessness be damned. Some more 'me' doesn't hurt... put 'we' on the backseat for some time.
Put yourself first. It's difficult at times. But try! Write yourself a poem. Take a selfie. Smile. Put on lipstick. Try a new color. Enjoy!
Say nice things about yourself. Buy yourself a flower.
You are worth more than the penny farthing you've been spending on yourself. Much more precious. Treasure your opinion. Speak for yourself. Cheer your achievements.
See yourself as amazing, because you are.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

That first night (Part 1) - Working Title

It was a dark and stormy night...

No. Wait.
This is not the way this story was to have started...

Actually, it was one of those more moderate days in August... it did rain, but there was no storm as such. The light rain cut through some of the mugginess. Mridula remembered that she kept dozing off to sleep under the lazily whirring fan, while waiting for Atulya. It had been a long day and all she wanted was to get rid of the scratchy Benarasi and the bel flower garlands which had started to wilt... 

She congratulated herself on having convinced her mother and aunts and insane cousins that it was okay if she just wore her long earrings and not the stifling gold necklace which had eaten away at a major part of her father's savings... stop! She told herself, get off the guilt trip! They had all wanted this - beyond any logic, any reason - as much their cross as hers to bear... she wasn't going to think of her mother's medicines or her brother's studies either. Not now.

She woke up with a jolt when she felt someone nudging her. Atulya's earnest face with his enormous eyes loomed over her. He looked a little concerned. And nervous.

Nervous? Why on earth? Oh hell! She did not have the energy for anything but turning over to the other side and sleeping... surely he wasn't expecting... how could she have forgotten that this was "the" night for some people? She muttered to herself "dhur shala!"... 

Atulya remembers being taken aback when he heard the "dhur shala" - was it directed at him, he wondered. He had just about managed to shut the door on a houseful of curious eyes and all he wanted was to just talk to the figure (mysteriously slumped over), who was now his better half and lifelong partner and... oh! Did he just wake her up? 

He muttered "sorry! I didn't realize you were sleeping!"

"Er... okay..."

"No, I was just wondering..."

"Uh..."

"No, no, no! I just thought we could talk... for a while... it's the first night... never been with you this way..."

"Talk? Yes. Talk is good."

"So what do you like?"

"Huh? What?"

"Like, are you okay?"

"Yes. Just sleepy. Been a long day..."

"Ah..."

"No, it's okay. I am used to staying up late..."

"Oh!"

"Yeah... my brother. He sleeps late. I stay up with him so that he studies and doesn't nod off."

"Oh!"

"So, tell me about yourself... "

Atulya had been rehearsing his introduction for over half an hour before he even came to the room... but right now words failed him.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

What is perfect? Nothing.

No such thing as perfect happiness. At least for people like me. Like every rose has its thorns, my happiness is impaled and shredded by expectations and resulting frustrations...
Why can't I just plaster a stupid grin on my face and wash out any semblance of doubt forming on my mind with lye and a hard brush?
Why can't I just live with what I am dished out?
Who am I? Of all the fat-assed people on planet earth. To even expect ANYTHING of ANYONE?
No wonder I am set up for failure from the start.
I am supposed to let things be.
Let the tea steep and seep out its gorgeous flavours in the tepid water. Woe betide anyone who dares turn up the flame and bring forth a rolling boil!
Let the flower gently unfurl and bring forth its beauty.
Let the egg hatch in its own time.
I can't go nitpicking. On everything. And with a sharp jab, put things in place.
No!
I have to let it lie.
And fester?
I have to let things putrefy till they come to their natural bloom or spoil eventually...
Hmph!
Hate how things are.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Today

The flowers that came from you today
And the chocolates
And most importantly that card which said you would love me forever

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Trying to

Trying not to care anymore
At least not that much and not that openly

I am okay now if you don't text
Or call
Or mail
Usually...

I still end up crying at times
But I am trying hard not to let it matter

I know I can do it
I just need to keep on trying
Really hard

Till it doesn't matter anymore.

word...



Hurt...

Just thinking of how a pearl is formed...
When an oyster is injured, or when a foreign body enters its mantle, it secretes nacre and gradually, layer by layer, grows into a beautiful shiny pearl...
So in essence, the oyster transforms its hurt or pain into a thing of beauty...

And then I think of all the times when I hurt - perhaps because of you,
Or even in spite of you
And I feel that I have grown yet another layer to shield my heart
And perhaps one day it will be like a giant shining pearl
But all dead inside...